Throwing stones in dreamboat glass houses
So you might have noticed that for all the franchises of my epoch I could’ve gone for the jugular to attack, Scott Pilgrim took most of my ammunition whereas Twilight escaped unscathed. Allow me to explain why my inability to throw stones inside a sparkly glass dreamboat house renders me incapable of mocking a lonely Mormon housewife who like me, dreamt up a franchise centred around supernatural pretty people out of boredom slash needed an outlet to express oneself in difficult times. I’ll totally find it baffling that Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1 got a PG-13/M rating but more than most straight white men, it’s really difficult for me to make fun of a woman who dreamt up some hunky vampire when my own book trilogy features such palpable subtext as the protagonist shooting his imaginary girlfriend with a Nerf gun in the most disturbing autobiographical flourish since Woody Allen’s Manhattan. Attacking Stephanie Meyer after that cheerful little mental breakdown which underpins my work in progress would smack of flagrant hypocrisy, especially since Christopher Paolini took the ‘I could write better than that’ bullet which Twilight might’ve caught had Eragon not fuelled my angry young author dude rage long before Edward Cullen had sparkled his first diamond. Meanwhile a movie like Scott Pilgrim came along with bad timing and made me pissed off like Michael from Heavy Traffic for… reasons… and I feel way more qualified to pick apart how Scott Pilgrim is a cartoon mascot who gives society permission to suck, problematic just doesn’t cut the mustard, even ideologically troubling is too polite for how I feel about it. There’s this CREATORS > HATERS Zen Pencil comic going around where haters are stereotyped as these cartoonish blobs of haterade instead of the complex human entities these people are, in fact King Candy from Wreck-It Ralph is a way better updated version of how terrifying Internet ‘haters’ are once they cross the line into online harassment, speaking from experience. What bugged me most about that CREATORS > HATERS comic was that some poor guy like me who’s already depressive enough to find getting out of bed to write at all as a struggle, would be put in the hater category on account of not being published. Say what you will about Rap Beefs but Literary Feuds need updating as to how up and coming stars can battle established authors with their street rhymes/unpublished manuscripts. I’m done for now.