January 4, 2014
In response to detractors of the Disney animated film ‘Wreck-It Ralph’ who suggested that this movie had “no stakes” - I submit exhibit A, a screenshot of a ten second imagined sequence where Vanellope, a little girl with a canon disability, is sucked into a digital void, pleading for help that never comes, screaming and crying into an uncertain, existentially troubling demise. I await The Hague pressing charges against me immediately, for this is clearly a weapon of mass destruction in the amount of tear ducts run into the ground by this single image alone. It’s not enough that Ralph wrecked her kart, Disney had to subliminally insert some of the most disturbing imagery into one of their animated feature films since Fight Club. And they probably did it, just to hurt you. Because this plants your mind’s reaction to the emotional holocaust to come later, on some subconscious level you’re worried about this girl, because of ten seconds of outright weaponised tears which is triggered when her only hope of escaping her miserable lot is destroyed. Therein are your “stakes”, detractors of Wreck-It Ralph. Detractors is like haters, but for adults.

In response to detractors of the Disney animated film ‘Wreck-It Ralph’ who suggested that this movie had “no stakes” - I submit exhibit A, a screenshot of a ten second imagined sequence where Vanellope, a little girl with a canon disability, is sucked into a digital void, pleading for help that never comes, screaming and crying into an uncertain, existentially troubling demise. I await The Hague pressing charges against me immediately, for this is clearly a weapon of mass destruction in the amount of tear ducts run into the ground by this single image alone. It’s not enough that Ralph wrecked her kart, Disney had to subliminally insert some of the most disturbing imagery into one of their animated feature films since Fight Club. And they probably did it, just to hurt you. Because this plants your mind’s reaction to the emotional holocaust to come later, on some subconscious level you’re worried about this girl, because of ten seconds of outright weaponised tears which is triggered when her only hope of escaping her miserable lot is destroyed. Therein are your “stakes”, detractors of Wreck-It Ralph. Detractors is like haters, but for adults.

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